第一章

祈禱中的甘飴、柔情，與天主所賜的神慰有何不同。聖女大德蘭體悟到「想像」與「理智」並非同一件事，這對她大有助益。本章對那些祈禱時思緒常飄散的人尤有裨益。

1. 此重居所所領受的恩寵。2. 神祕的恩賜。3. 誘惑使人謙卑、得立功德。4. 情感上的熱心與本性的喜樂。5. 熱心中的甘飴。6. 聖女大德蘭的親身體驗。7. 愛天主與如何培養此愛。8. 思緒紛擾。9. 思緒紛擾不會破壞與天主的結合。10. 聖女大德蘭身體上的紛擾。11. 如何處置思緒紛擾。12. 應當不加理會。13. 認識自己不可或缺。

1. 如今動筆寫第四重居所，正如我先前所說，¹⁰⁷必先把自己交託給聖神，求祂替我說話，好讓我能把這些事說得明白。從這裡起，所談的事已屬超性，若非至尊陛下親自出面，就像十四年前我依當時所能理解的程度解說此題時祂所做的那樣，¹⁰⁸要把它們講清楚，實在極難。¹⁰⁹我相信如今對天主賞賜某些靈魂的恩寵看得更清楚了，但看得清楚是一回事，能把它說明白又是另一回事。¹¹⁰若對人有益，願至尊陛下使我能夠做到；若無益處，那就罷了。

2. 這幾重居所既離君王的寢宮較近，自然格外美麗；其中所見所聞又極為細微，凡嘗試描述過的人都說，對沒有這方面經驗的人，理智無法讓他們看個明白。領受過這類恩寵的人——尤其是領受甚多的——一讀便懂我在說什麼。

3. 進入這幾重居所之前，人顯然得在前面幾重裡住上許久；按常理，靈魂至少也得到過上一重所說的境地。然而，你們想必常聽人說，這事並無定規——天主何時、如何、賜給誰，全憑祂的心意，¹¹¹所有財富本就是祂的，祂怎樣分配都不虧欠人。¹¹²毒蛇爬蟲鮮少闖入這幾個房間；縱使闖入，帶來的益處也多過傷害。我反倒覺得，牠們闖進來、在這祈禱境地向靈魂挑起戰端，對靈魂更好。靈魂若不受試探，魔鬼有時就會以神慰的偽裝矇騙它，那傷害就深得多。再者，若靈魂始終只被天主全然吸攝，立功德的機會也都沒有了，所得的益處反而較少。靈魂一直停在同一狀態而毫無變化，我不敢確信那種被吸攝是真的；聖神也不大可能在我們此世流亡期間始終以同等深度居住在我們內。

4. 現在我依先前的應許，說明祈禱中的甘飴與神慰有何分別。在我看來，我們默想、向上主祈求時自己得到的，可稱作「熱心中的甘飴」，¹¹³這是本性上的喜樂，雖然到頭來仍靠天主的恩寵幫助；我所說的一切都該這樣理解，因為離了祂我們什麼也做不了。這種甘飴多半源於我們所做的善工，像是辛勤耕耘的回報；因這樣度過時間而感到欣慰，原是合理的。細想一下，許多塵世之事也能給我們同樣的喜悅——突然繼承一大筆財富、意外重逢摯友、做成一件在世上引起轟動的大事；或是家裡的丈夫、兄弟、兒子本以為已死，卻見他活著歸來。我親眼看過有人喜極而泣，我自己也這樣流過淚。這類喜悅，和我們在宗教事上所感受到的那種喜悅，我都算作本性上的。前者並無不妥；熱心所生的喜悅，其源頭則更為高貴——簡言之，始於我們自己，終於天主。反過來，神慰是來自天主的，我們本性一樣感受並為之欣喜，而且比我剛才所說的那些喜悅還要深切得多。

5. 耶穌啊！我多麼盼望能把這一點講清楚！在我心裡，這兩種喜樂我明明分得一清二楚，卻說不出口讓人懂——願天主賜我這個本事！我記得日課誦到晨禱末一首聖詠時念的那句話：「Cum dilatasti cor meum」——「當祢舒展了我的心」。¹¹⁴對經驗豐富的人來說，這一句已足以點出祈禱中的甘飴和神慰的分別；其他人則需多加解釋。我所說的那種情感上的熱心，並不舒展心胸，反而常使心胸微微縮緊；人雖因看見自己為天主效勞而欣喜，卻也流下悲傷的淚，而那眼淚似乎多少出於情感衝動。我對靈魂的情緒所知甚淺，否則自己既走過這一段，就能寫得更清楚，也能把哪些出於感性氣質、哪些出於本性分辨得更準確；可惜我太愚鈍。學識對任何人都是莫大的助益。

6. 我自己在默想中嘗到這種喜悅和甘飴時是這樣：一想到主的苦難就哭，直到頭痛欲裂才停得下來；¹¹⁵痛悔己罪時也是如此：這是上主賜下的大恩寵。我此刻無意去問這兩種祈禱哪一種比較好，只希望自己能把兩者的分別講清楚。我所說的這種情形裡，眼淚和美善的渴望往往有一部分出自本性氣質；即便如此，正如我先前所說，這些感受最終仍歸於天主。只要靈魂夠謙遜，明白自己並不因這些感受而更聖——它們未必全然出於愛德，就算是，也仍是天主的恩賜——那麼這種情感上的熱心就很值得珍惜。

7. 這種熱心之情，最常見於前三重居所的靈魂；他們默想時幾乎都用理智和推理。這對他們是好的，因為他們還沒領受更高的恩寵。不過，他們也該不時試著發出幾個行動——讚美天主、因祂的良善而喜樂、因祂本來如此而感恩——渴望祂得到尊崇榮耀。這些事要盡力而為，因為極能燃起意志。當天主賜下這類感受時，他們要特別留心，別為了把慣常的默想做完而把這些感受擱下。關於這題目，我在別處已講得夠多了，¹¹⁶此處不再多言。我只是要提醒你們：若想快快進步、到達所欲進入的居所，要緊的不是「想得多」，而是「愛得多」；因此最能激發你去愛的，你就多做什麼。也許我們並不真懂什麼是愛，這並不叫我意外。愛不在熱心的甘飴有多深，而在於熱切立志：事事求取悅天主，盡可能避開一切冒犯祂的事，並為祂聖子的光榮尊貴日增、為天主教會的興旺而祈禱。這些才是愛的記號。別以為愛就是腦中除了天主再也不想別的，思緒稍一飄離就全盤皆輸。¹¹⁷

8. 我自己也常為這種思緒的紛亂所苦。四年多前，我才從親身體驗中看出：我們的「思念」——說得清楚些，是我們的「想像」——和「理智」並非一回事。我為此請教過一位神學家，他說的確如此，這讓我大得安慰。理智既是靈魂的能力之一，我一直想不通它有時為何那樣遲鈍，想像卻多半一下子就飛走；這時只有天主能管得住它——祂把我們和祂自己這樣緊密結合，¹¹⁸使我們彷彿脫離了身體一般。我當時實在想不通：表面上靈魂的諸般能力都與天主同在、收心於祂，想像卻仍在別處閒晃。

9. 主啊！求祢體念我們因無知而受的一切苦。我們常錯以為：只消曉得「心思要定睛於祢」便夠了；卻不曉得該去請教比自己有學問的人，也不曉得自己還有什麼該學。我們受盡可怕的折磨，全因不認識自己的本性，把原本無害、甚至有益的事看成嚴重的過犯。許多人——尤其沒學問卻勤於祈禱的人——的苦惱正源於此。他們抱怨內心受考驗，變得憂鬱，身體垮了，甚至徹底放棄祈禱，只因不明白我們內裡自成一個世界。我們既阻止不了諸天飛馳運轉，也管不住自己的想像。想像一跑，我們立刻以為靈魂的一切能力都跟著跑了；便覺得全盤皆輸，在天主面前所花的時間全白費。其實這時，靈魂或許正與天主在最深處的居所內完全結合，想像卻還在城堡外圍和千百隻兇獸毒蟲廝殺，反倒因這場仗立下功德。所以我們大可不必慌亂，更不可放棄祈禱——那正是魔鬼極力想勸我們做的。大致說來，我們一切焦慮煩惱，都是錯看了自己的本性而來。

10. 寫這段時，我正受著引言裡提過的腦中巨響所擾——這響聲幾乎讓我無法遵命把書寫下去。我腦裡彷彿有好幾道瀑布奔騰，水聲之外又夾雜著鳥兒啁啾鳴哨。這喧囂不在耳朵裡，而在我頭頂；聽說靈魂的高層部分就安置於此。我一直認為確實如此，因為心靈騰飛時，似乎正是從這裡以極快的速度出發。¹¹⁹若蒙天主許可，我想等寫到後面幾重居所時再解釋緣由——這裡還不是合適的地方。或許天主正是藉著這腦中的苦楚，助我看懂此事：腦裡這樣喧鬧，竟絲毫不妨礙我祈禱，也不妨礙我向你們說話；靈魂深處那大平安、愛與渴望仍安然無擾，神思也清明。

11. 既然靈魂的高層部分就在頭頂，怎麼能不受這喧囂擾亂呢？我說不上緣由，但敢保證所說屬實。這響聲在我沒進入神魂超拔時會擾亂祈禱；一旦進入神魂超拔，再大的痛楚我也感覺不到。若因這等軟弱而被迫停下祈禱，我才真要受苦。我們不必為自己的思緒苦惱，也別讓它煩心：若那些思緒來自魔鬼，我們不理會，牠便會放手；若如常見的那樣，只是亞當原罪遺下的諸多軟弱之一，就耐著性子，為愛天主而忍受。同樣，我們既不能不吃不睡——這本就夠令人無奈——那就坦然承認自己是人，渴望到一個無人輕視我們的地方去。¹²⁰我有時會想起新郎在《雅歌》裡說的那句話；¹²¹這輩子還真沒有比此刻更有理由講這話，因為我想世上沒有哪樣輕視或苦楚，能像靈魂內部的這場掙扎那樣重重考驗我們。正如我先前所說，只要內心平安，一切不安和衝突都還撐得住；可是當我們在塵世千般考驗中尋找安息——明知天主為我們備妥了這份安息——卻發現障礙就在自己裡面，這考驗便成了幾乎教人承受不住的痛苦。

12. 所以，主啊，求祢帶我們到一個地方去——在那裡，這些痛苦再也不能叫我們蒙羞；因為有時它們簡直像是在嘲弄我們的靈魂。哪怕在今世，只要到了最後一重居所，天主也會救我們脫離這一切；倚仗祂的恩寵，我後面會說明。並不是人人都像我這些年那樣，被這些弱點猛烈折磨、痛擊，¹²²我因自己的惡，彷彿處心積慮在向自己報復。¹²³我既在這方面吃了那麼多苦，你們或許也有類似的經驗，所以我會繼續從不同角度解說，好找到把它講明白的辦法。這事本就避不開，所以別讓它擾亂你、別讓它壓著你；磨坊儘管嘎嘎響，麥子還是得磨——也就是說，我們照樣憑意志和理智做下去。

13. 這些煩擾因我們健康狀況或所處情境而有輕重。可憐的靈魂在受苦；這次雖不該怪它，但別的時候確曾犯過罪，如今只得忍耐。我們愚昧至此，讀過的、聽過的都不夠教我們把飄離的念頭不放在心上，所以我花些時間指導、安慰你們度過這類考驗，不算白費。不過，若天主未啟發你，這些話終究幫助有限，還需別的工夫：至尊陛下願我們先以平常的方法認識自己，看清遊蕩的想像、本性、魔鬼的試探，在這些煩擾中各分到多少份額，而不是把責任一股腦兒全推到靈魂頭上。

HOW SWEETNESS AND TENDERNESS IN PRAYER DIFFER FROM CONSOLATIONS. EXPLAINS HOW ADVANTAGEOUS IT WAS FOR ST. TERESA TO COMPREHEND THAT THE IMAGINATION AND THE UNDERSTANDING ARE NOT THE SAME THING. THIS CHAPTER IS USEFUL FOR THOSE WHOSE THOUGHTS WANDER MUCH DURING PRAYER.

1. Graces received in this mansion. 2. Mystic favours. 3. Temptations bring humility and merit. 4. Sensible devotion and natural joys. 5. Sweetness in devotion. 6. St. Teresa’s experience of it. 7. Love of God, and how to foster it. 8. Distractions. 9. They do not destroy divine union. 10. St. Teresa’s physical distractions. 11. How to treat distractions. 12. They should be disregarded. 13. Self-knowledge necessary.

1. Now that I commence writing about the fourth mansions, it is requisite, as I said,¹⁰⁷ to commend myself to the Holy Ghost and to beg Him henceforth to speak for me, that I may be enabled to treat these matters intelligibly. Henceforth they begin to be supernatural and it will be most difficult to speak clearly about them,¹⁰⁸ unless His Majesty undertakes it for me, as He did when I explained the subject (as far as I understood it) somewhat about fourteen years ago.¹⁰⁹ I believe I now possess more light about the favours God grants some souls, but that is different from being able to elucidate them.¹¹⁰ May His Majesty enable me to do so if it would be useful, but not otherwise.

2. As these mansions are nearer the King’s dwelling they are very beautiful, and so subtle are the things seen and heard in them, that, as those tell us who have tried to do so, the mind cannot give a lucid idea of them to those inexperienced in the matter. People who have enjoyed these favours, especially if it was to any great extent, will easily comprehend me.

3. Apparently a person must have dwelt for a long time in the former mansions before entering these; although in ordinary cases the soul must have been in the last one spoken of, yet, as you must often have heard, there is no fixed rule, for God gives when, how, and to whom He wills¹¹¹ —the goods are His own, and His choice wrongs no one.¹¹² The poisonous reptiles rarely come into these rooms, and, if they enter, do more good than harm. I think it is far better for them to get in and make war on the soul in this state of prayer; were it not tempted, the devil might sometimes deceive it about divine consolations, thus injuring it far more. Besides, the soul would benefit less, because all occasions of gaining merit would be withdrawn, were it left continually absorbed in God. I am not confident that this absorption is genuine when it always remains in the same state, nor does it appear to me possible for the Holy Ghost to dwell constantly within us, to the same extent, during our earthly exile.

4. I will now describe, as I promised, the difference between sweetness in prayer and spiritual consolations. It appears to me that what we acquire for ourselves in meditation and petitions to our Lord may be termed ‘sweetness in devotion.’¹¹³ It is natural, although ultimately aided by the grace of God. I must be understood to imply this in all I say, for we can do nothing without Him. This sweetness arises principally from the good work we perform, and appears to result from our labours: well may we feel happy at having thus spent our time. We shall find, on consideration, that many temporal matters give us the same pleasure—such as unexpectedly coming into a large fortune, suddenly meeting with a dearly-loved friend, or succeeding in any important or influential affair which makes a sensation in the world. Again, it would be felt by one who had been told her husband, brother, or son was dead, and who saw him return to her alive. I have seen people weep from such happiness, as I have done myself. I consider both these joys and those we feel in religious matters to be natural ones. Although there is nothing wrong about the former, yet those produced by devotion spring from a more noble source—in short, they begin in ourselves and end in God. Spiritual consolations, on the contrary, arise from God, and our nature feels them and rejoices as keenly in them, and indeed far more keenly, than in the others I described.

5. O Jesus! how I wish I could elucidate this point! It seems to me that I can perfectly distinguish the difference between the two joys, yet I have not the skill to make myself understood; may God give it me! I remember a verse we say at Prime at the end of the final Psalm; the last words are: ‘Cum dilatasti cor meum’—‘When Thou didst dilate my heart:¹¹⁴ To those with much experience, this suffices to show the difference between sweetness in prayer and spiritual consolations; other people will require more explanation. The sensible devotion I mentioned does not dilate the heart, but generally appears to narrow it slightly; although joyful at seeing herself work for God, yet such a person sheds tears of sorrow which seem partly produced by the passions. I know little about the passions of the soul, or I could write of them more clearly and could better define what comes from the sensitive disposition and what is natural, having passed through this state myself, but I am very stupid. Knowledge and learning are a great advantage to every one.

6. My own experience of this delight and sweetness in meditation was that when I began to weep over the Passion I could not stop until I had a severe headache;¹¹⁵ the same thing occurred when I grieved over my sins: this was a great grace from our Lord. I do not intend to inquire now which of these states of prayer is the better, but I wish I knew how to explain the difference between the two. In that of which I speak, the tears and good desires are often partly caused by the natural disposition, but although this may be the case, yet, as I said, these feelings terminate in God. Sensible devotion is very desirable if the soul is humble enough to understand that it is not more holy on account of these sentiments, which cannot always with certainty be ascribed to charity, and even then are still the gift of God.

7. These feelings of devotion are most common with souls in the first three mansions, who are nearly always using their understanding and reason in making meditations. This is good for them, for they have not been given grace for more; they should, however, try occasionally to elicit some acts such as praising God, rejoicing in His goodness and that He is what He is: let them desire that He may be honoured and glorified. They must do this as best they can, for it greatly inflames the will. Let them be very careful, when God gives these sentiments, not to set them aside in order to finish their accustomed meditation. But, having spoken fully on this subject elsewhere,¹¹⁶ I will say no more now. I only wish to warn you that to make rapid progress and to reach the mansions we wish to enter, it is not so essential to think much as to love much: therefore you must practise whatever most excites you to this. Perhaps we do not know what love is, nor does this greatly surprise me. Love does not consist in great sweetness of devotion, but in a fervent determination to strive to please God in all things, in avoiding, as far as possible, all that would offend Him, and in praying for the increase of the glory and honour of His Son and for the growth of the Catholic Church. These are the signs of love; do not imagine that it consists in never thinking of anything but God, and that if your thoughts wander a little all is lost.¹¹⁷

8. I, myself, have sometimes been troubled by this turmoil of thoughts. I learnt by experience, but little more than four years ago, that our thoughts, or it is clearer to call it our imagination, are not the same thing as the understanding. I questioned a theologian on the subject; he told me it was the fact, which consoled me not a little. As the understanding is one of the powers of the soul, it puzzled me to see it so sluggish at times, while, as a rule, the imagination takes flight at once, so that God alone can control it by so uniting us to Himself¹¹⁸ that we seem, in a manner, detached from our bodies. It puzzled me to see that while to all appearance the powers of the soul were occupied with God and recollected in Him, the imagination was wandering elsewhere.

9. Do Thou, O Lord, take into account all that we suffer in this way through our ignorance. We err in thinking that we need only know that we must keep our thoughts fixed on Thee. We do not understand that we should consult those better instructed than ourselves, nor are we aware that there is anything for us to learn. We pass through terrible trials, on account of not understanding our own nature and take what is not merely harmless, but good, for a grave fault. This causes the sufferings felt by many people, particularly by the unlearned, who practise prayer. They complain of interior trials, become melancholy, lose their health, and even give up prayer altogether for want of recognizing that we have within ourselves as it were, an interior world. We cannot stop the revolution of the heavens as they rush with velocity upon their course, neither can we control our imagination. When this wanders we at once imagine that all the powers of the soul follow it; we think everything is lost, and that the time spent in God’s presence is wasted. Meanwhile, the soul is perhaps entirely united to Him in the innermost mansions, while the imagination is in the precincts of the castle, struggling with a thousand wild and venomous creatures and gaining merit by its warfare. Therefore we need not let ourselves be disturbed, nor give up prayer, as the devil is striving to persuade us. As a rule, all our anxieties and troubles come from misunderstanding our own nature.

10. Whilst writing this I am thinking of the loud noise in my head which I mentioned in the Introduction, and which has made it almost impossible to obey the command given me to write this. It sounds as if there were a number of rushing waterfalls within my brain, while in other parts, drowned by the sound of the waters, are the voices of birds singing and whistling. This tumult is not in my ears, but in the upper part of my head, where, they say, is placed the superior part of the soul. I have long thought that this must be so because the flight of the spirit seems to take place from this part with great velocity.¹¹⁹ Please God I may recollect to explain the cause when writing of the latter mansions, this not being the proper place for it. It may be that God has sent this suffering in my head to help me to understand the matter, for all this tumult in my brain does not interfere with my prayer, nor with my speaking to you, but the great calm and love and desires in my soul remain undisturbed and my mind is clear.

11. How, then, can the superior part of the soul remain undisturbed if it resides in the upper part of the brain? I cannot account for it, but am sure that I am speaking the truth. This noise disturbs my prayer when unaccompanied with ecstasy, but when it is ecstatic I do not feel any pain, however great. I should suffer keenly were I forced to cease praying on account of these infirmities. We should not be distressed by reason of our thoughts, nor allow ourselves to be worried by them: if they come from the devil, he will let us alone if we take no notice of them; and if they are, as often happens, one of the many frailties entailed by Adam’s sin, let us be patient and suffer them for the love of God. Likewise, since we must eat and sleep without being able to avoid it, much to our grief, let us acknowledge that we are human, and long to be where no one may despise us.¹²⁰ Sometimes I recall these words, spoken by the Spouse in the Canticle;¹²¹ truly never in our lives have we better reason to say them, for I think no earthly scorn or suffering can try us so severely as these struggles within our souls. All uneasiness or conflict can be borne while we have peace in ourselves, as I said; but if, while seeking for rest amidst the thousand trials of the world—knowing that God has prepared this rest for us—the obstacle is found in ourselves, the trial must prove painful and almost insufferable.

12. Take us therefore, O Lord, to where these miseries can no longer cause us to be despised, for sometimes it seems as if they mocked our souls. Even in this life God delivers us from them when we reach the last mansion, as by His grace I will show you. Everybody is not so violently distressed and assaulted by these weaknesses as I have been for many years,¹²² on account of my wickedness, so that it seems as if I strove to take vengeance on myself.¹²³ Since I suffer so much in this way, perhaps you may do the same, so I shall continue to explain the subject to you in different ways, in order to find some means of making it clear. The thing is inevitable, therefore do not let it disturb or grieve you, but let the mill clack on while we grind our wheat; that is, let us continue to work with our will and intellect.

13. These troubles annoy us more or less according to the state of our health or in different circumstances. The poor soul suffers; although not now to blame, it has sinned at other times, and must be patient. We are so ignorant that what we have read and been told has not sufficed to teach us to disregard wandering thoughts, therefore I shall not be wasting time in instructing and consoling you about these trials. However, this will help you but little until God chooses to enlighten you, and additional measures are needed: His Majesty wishes us to learn by ordinary means to understand ourselves and to recognize the share taken in these troubles by our wandering imagination, our nature, and the devil’s temptations, instead of laying all the blame on our souls.