第一章

本章談我們在這流亡之地的生命毫無安穩可言；不論被擢升至何等高位，都該常懷敬畏而行。內含若干值得細思之處。

1. 第三重居所中的靈魂。 2. 此世的不安穩。 3. 我們仍有跌出恩寵的危險。 4. 聖女哀嘆自己過去的生活。 5. 聖母的庇佑。 6. 連修道人也須懷敬畏。 7. 聖女德蘭的痛悔。 8. 第三重居所之人的特質。 9. 福音中那位富有的少年人。 10. 祈禱中之所以枯燥。 11. 謙卑。 12. 不冷不熱。 13. 我們必須把一切都獻給天主。 14. 我們所欠的債。 15. 安慰與枯燥。

1. 至於那些靠天主的仁慈在前述交戰中得勝、堅持到底而走進第三重居所的人，除了「敬畏上主的人是有福的」⁸⁶，我們還能對她們說什麼呢？想到我這人在這類事上素來遲鈍，能把這節經文譯成西班牙語、把意思說清楚，已是天主給我的不小恩惠。我們大可稱這些靈魂為有福的；就我們所知，只要她們不回頭，便走在通往救恩的安穩路上。姐妹們，妳們現在便明白：在先前的爭戰中得勝有多麼要緊；因為我深信，從此以後吾主必不停息地保守她們良心的安穩——這已是莫大的恩賞。

2. 我說「安穩」其實是說錯了，因為今生並無安穩可言。要明白：我這樣說時總含著一個前提——「除非她們不停下，繼續她們已起的路」。活在這世上，真是何等可憐！我們就像敵人就守在門口的人，連睡覺、吃飯都不敢卸下兵器，時時提防仇敵從牆上某處缺口攻入城堡。我的主啊，我的一切！祢怎能要我們珍惜這如此悲慘的存在呢？若不是還盼望能為祢的緣故失去它、或將它全心獻給祢服事——尤其因為我們知道祢願我們活著——我們不可能不一直渴望、不停懇求祢把我們帶離。既然如此，正如聖多默所說：「讓我們和祢一同去死吧！」⁸⁷因為離開祢，就是一次又一次的死亡——「永遠失去祢」這樣的恐懼始終縈繞著我們！

3. 因此我說，女兒們：我們該求吾主這份大恩，使我們有一天能與諸聖一同安然同居。一個唯一以取悅天主為樂的人，懷著上述的種種懼怕，又能享受什麼樂趣呢？要記得：許多聖人也曾像我們一樣有這種感受，且比我們熱切得多，卻仍跌入重罪；我們也無法擔保天主會再次伸手把我們從罪中扶起，賜下她們所行那等的補贖恩寵——這是格外殊勝的恩寵。⁸⁸實話告訴妳們，女兒們，每次我想到這事——而我十分常想——便害怕得不知該怎麼寫下去，甚至不知該怎麼繼續活下去。女兒們，求至尊陛下住在我裡面吧；不然，像我這樣把生命虛度至此，還能感到什麼安穩？

4. 知道這一切，妳們不要難過。每當我提起這件事，常見妳們臉色一沉——妳們希望我過去也是一個很聖潔的人，這沒有錯，我自己也這樣盼望。但既然我因自己的過失把過去虛擲一空，又能怎麼辦呢？我也沒有資格抱怨天主未賜我所需的援助、好滿足妳們的願望。寫這些話時我不能不流淚、不能不深感羞愧，因為我看見自己竟在向有資格教我的人解說這些事。順命真是把何等艱難的任務交給了我！願天主使我為祂而做的這份工作，對妳們能有些許助益；也求妳們替我請求祂赦免我這份可悲的妄為。

5. 至尊陛下深知，我除了祂的仁慈別無倚靠。既然過去無從抹除，我便別無他法，只能投奔祂，並仰賴祂聖子與祂貞女之母的功勞——而我和妳們同樣穿著聖母的會衣，雖然我不配。我的女兒們，請讚美祂，因為祂使妳們真正成為聖母的女兒；既有這樣一位好母親，妳們便不必為我的惡行臉紅。要效法她；想想她該有多麼偉大、能有她為主保是多麼大的福分；幸好我的罪與壞品性，並未玷污我們聖會的光輝。

6. 然而我仍要給妳們一個警告：別因身為修女、且為這位母親的女兒，便過於自信。達味極為聖善，妳們卻知道撒羅滿後來變成什麼樣子。⁸⁹所以，別倚仗自己的隱院生活、別倚仗自己的補贖、別倚仗自己不斷的祈禱與恆常的與主相通；也別倚仗自己已離了世界、視世俗之路為可懼。這些固然是好事，但正如前面說過，不足以除盡一切懼怕。因此，請默想並常常憶起這句話：「敬畏上主的人是有福的。」⁹⁰

7. 我已記不起方才在說什麼，扯得太遠了。每次想到自己，我的心思便像折翼的鳥，飛不上去；這個題目暫且擱下。

8. 回到原來的話題：談談那些已進入第三重居所的靈魂。天主已賜給她們極大的恩寵——不算小——使她們度過了最初的種種艱難。靠祂的憐憫，我相信世上有許多這樣的人：她們極不願得罪至尊陛下，連小罪也避免；她們喜愛補贖，常在默想中度時；善用光陰，致力於對鄰人的愛德善工；言談舉止與穿戴皆有節度；治家者也治家有方。這實在值得追求，似無理由禁止她們進入末重居所；只要她們願意，吾主也不會不給——因為這正是領受祂一切恩寵的合宜傾向。

9. 耶穌啊！有誰能說自己不渴望這大福——尤其在度過主要的艱難之後？沒有，沒有人說得出口。人人嘴上都說渴望，可要讓上主完全主宰一個人的靈魂，光說是不夠的。猶太那位富有的青年也是如此：吾主告訴他若想成全該怎麼做，他光是聽聽是不夠的。⁹¹自從我開始談這幾重居所，這位青年便不時浮現我心，因為我們和他一模一樣。這往往就是我們在祈禱時感到極度枯燥的原因，雖然有時也另有別的成因。我這裡指的不是某些內在痛苦——許多虔誠的靈魂並非自身過錯，卻從中受到難以忍受的折磨；對這類考驗，吾主總會把人救出，且讓他們大得益處。我也把患憂鬱症及其他疾病的人排除在外。但無論這些或其他情況，我們都該把對天主的審斷放下，不去妄加論斷。

10. 我認為，這些枯燥多半源自我前面說的第一個原因。這類靈魂深知，沒有任何事能誘她們去犯罪（許多人連小罪都不肯故意犯），並且會善用自己的生命與財富。所以，當她們被擋在我們的國王面前之外，便難以耐受——她們自視為祂的臣屬，實際也確實是。地上的君王可有無數臣民，卻不是人人都能上殿。我的女兒們，那麼，進去吧，進到妳們的內心去；別只想著自己那些瑣碎的善工——那些連基督徒應盡的本份都還湊不齊。妳是天主的僕人，這已經足夠了；別什麼都想抓，到頭來反而一場空。⁹²想想那些已進入天主聖容前的諸聖，就會看出他們與我們之間的差距有多大。

11. 別求妳們不配得的事；無論為天主做了多少，也別自以為配得諸聖的賞報——畢竟我們得罪過祂。啊，謙卑，謙卑！我說不上為什麼，但我總忍不住想：那些動輒抱怨枯燥的人，多半是這項德行有所不足。當然，我這裡並非指某些深重的內在痛苦——那種痛苦比缺乏熱情糟糕得多。

12. 姐妹們，讓我們試試自己，或者讓吾主來試試我們；祂自有妙法（儘管我們常裝作聽不懂祂的意思）。我們現在來談談這些「井然有序」的靈魂。想想她們為天主做了什麼，立刻就會明白：我們又有什麼資格去抱怨至尊陛下呢？當吾主告訴我們「成全的路該怎麼走」時，倘若我們像福音中的青年一樣轉身、憂悶離去，⁹³天主又能怎麼辦？因為祂必照我們對祂的愛多寡，按比例賜予報酬。我的女兒們，這份愛不能只是我們想像中的東西；要用實際作為來證明。但也別以為吾主真的需要我們的什麼作為——祂這樣催逼我們，只是要我們把善心顯出來。⁹⁴

13. 我們似乎以為：自願穿上會衣、為天主捨棄世物與一切所有，便算把該做的都做完了（儘管那些東西也許不過像聖伯多祿的漁網，⁹⁵但對我們來說，那已是我們的一切）。這的確是極好的傾向；若我們繼續走在這條路上，連在內心都不再眷戀第一重居所那些爬蟲為伴，那麼，靠著在貧窮與超脫中堅持，必能得到我們所追求的一切。但要留意——這裡有一個前提：我們必須「視自己為無用的僕人」⁹⁶，正如聖保祿（或基督本身）告訴我們的，並且不以為吾主有義務賜給我們什麼恩寵；反而要看清：我們從祂那裡領受得越多，便越深地欠祂的債。

14. 對這位如此慷慨的天主——祂為我們捨命、造了我們、賜我們存在——我們所能做的實在少得可憐；難道我們不該慶幸：能稍稍償還因祂「服侍」我們而生的那筆債務的一小部分，就已是莫大的福氣，又何必再向祂另求新的憐憫與恩寵？我不太想用「服侍」這個說法，可實情正是如此：祂在世時所做的，不過就是服侍我們罷了。

15. 我的女兒們，請好好咀嚼我說過的這些要點——雖然講得有些紛亂，因為我實在不知該如何說得更清楚。吾主會使妳們了悟，使妳們從枯燥中收成謙卑，而不是被魔鬼藉此攪起的不安所擾。我相信：只要存有真正的謙卑，即便天主從不賜下安慰，祂也會賜予一種平安與順服，使靈魂比那些有顯著熱情的人更喜樂。妳們讀過：這些安慰，神聖陛下常賜給最軟弱的靈魂；我想，他們也未必肯把這些安慰換成「在枯燥中事奉天主」之基督徒所擁有的那份堅毅——我們愛安慰勝過愛十字架！上主啊，祢知道一切真理，求祢這樣考驗我們，好讓我們真正認識自己。

TREATS OF THE INSECURITY OF LIFE IN THIS EXILE, HOWEVER HIGH WE MAY BE RAISED, AND OF HOW WE MUST ALWAYS WALK IN FEAR. CONTAINS SOME GOOD POINTS.

1. Souls in the Third Mansions. 2. Insecurity of this life. 3. Our danger of falling from grace. 4. The Saint bewails her past life. 5. Our Lady’s patronage. 6. Fear necessary even for religious. 7. St. Teresa’s contrition. 8. Characteristics of those in the Third Mansions. 9. The rich young man in the Gospel. 10. Reason of aridities in prayer. 11. Humility. 12. Tepidity. 13. We must give all to God. 14. Our debt. 15. Consolations and aridities.

1. As for those who, by the mercy of God, have vanquished in these combats and persevered until they reached the third mansions, what can we say to them but ‘Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord’?⁸⁶ It is no small favour from God that I should be able to translate this verse into Spanish so as to explain its meaning, considering how dense I usually am in such matters. We may well call these souls blessed, for, as far as we can tell, unless they turn back in their course they are on the safe road to salvation. Now, my sisters, you see how important it is for them to conquer in their former struggles, for I am convinced that our Lord will henceforth never cease to keep them in security of conscience, which is no small boon.

2. I am wrong in saying ‘security,’ for there is no security in this life; understand that in such cases I always imply: ‘If they do not cease to continue as they have begun.’ What misery to live in this world! We are like men whose enemies are at the door, who must not lay aside their arms, even while sleeping or eating, and are always in dread lest the foe should enter the fortress by some breach in the walls. O my Lord and my all! How canst Thou wish us to prize such a wretched existence? We could not desist from longing and begging Thee to take us from it, were it not for the hope of losing it for Thy sake or devoting it entirely to Thy service—and above all because we know it is Thy will that we should live. Since it is so, ‘Let us die with Thee!’⁸⁷ as St. Thomas said, for to be away from Thee is but to die again and again, haunted as we are by the dread of losing Thee for ever!

3. This is why I say, daughters, that we ought to ask our Lord as our boon to grant us one day to dwell in safety with the Saints, for with such fears, what pleasure can she enjoy whose only pleasure is to please God? Remember, many Saints have felt this as we do, and were even far more fervent, yet fell into grave sin, and we cannot be sure that God would stretch forth His hand to raise us from sin again to do such penance as they performed. This applies to extraordinary grace.⁸⁸ Truly, my daughters, I feel such terror as I tell you this, that I know not how to write it, nor even how to go on living, when I reflect upon it as I very often do. Beg of His Majesty, my daughters, to abide within me, for otherwise, what security could I feel, after a life so badly spent as mine has been?

4. Do not grieve at knowing this. I have often seen you troubled when I spoke about it, for you wish that my past had been a very holy one, in which you are right—indeed, I wish the same myself. But what can be done, now that I have wasted it entirely through my own fault? I have no right to complain that God withheld the aid I needed to fulfil your wishes. It is impossible for me to write this without tears and great shame, when I see that I am explaining these matters to those capable of teaching me. What a hard task has obedience laid, upon me! God grant that, as I do it for Him, it may be of some service to you; therefore beg Him to pardon me for my miserable presumption.

5. His Majesty knows that I have nothing to rely upon but His mercy; as I cannot cancel the past, I have no other remedy but to flee to Him, and to confide in the merits of His Son and of His Virgin Mother, whose habit, unworthy as I am, I wear as you do also. Praise Him, then, my daughters, for making you truly daughters of our Lady, so that you need not blush for my wickedness as you have such a good Mother. Imitate her; think how great she must be and what a blessing it is for you to have her for a patroness, since my sins and evil character have brought no tarnish on the lustre of our holy Order.

6. Still I must give you one warning: be not too confident because you are nuns and the daughters of such a Mother. David was very holy, yet you know what Solomon became.⁸⁹ Therefore do not rely on your enclosure, on your penitential life, nor on your continual exercise of prayer and constant communion with God, nor trust in having left the world or in the idea that you hold its ways in horror. All this is good, but is not enough, as I have already said, to remove all fear; therefore meditate on this text and often recall it: ’Blessed is the man that feareth the Lord.’⁹⁰

7. I do not recollect what I was saying, and have digressed very much: for when I think of myself my mind cannot soar to higher things but is like a bird with broken wings; so I will leave this subject for the present.

8. To return to what I began to explain about the souls which have entered the third mansions. God has shown them no small favour, but a very great one, in enabling them to pass through the first difficulties. Thanks to His mercy I believe there are many such people in the world: they are very desirous not to offend His Majesty even by venial sins, they love penance and spend hours in meditation, they employ their time well, exercise themselves in works of charity to their neighbours, are well-ordered in their conversation and dress, and those who own a household govern it well. This is certainly to be desired, and there appears no reason to forbid their entrance to the last mansions; nor will our Lord deny it them if they desire it, for this is the right disposition for receiving all His favours.

9. O Jesus! can any one declare that he does not desire this great blessing, especially after he has passed through the chief difficulties? No; no one can! We all say we desire it, but there is need of more than that for the Lord to possess entire dominion over the soul. It is not enough to say so, any more than it was enough for the young man when our Lord told him what he must do if he desired to be perfect.⁹¹ Since I began to speak of these dwelling-rooms I have him constantly before my mind, for we are exactly like him; this very frequently produces the great dryness we feel in prayer, though sometimes it proceeds from other causes as well. I am not speaking of certain interior sufferings which give intolerable pain to many devout souls through no fault of their own; from these trials, however, our Lord always delivers them with much profit to themselves. I also except people who suffer from melancholy and other infirmities. But in these cases, as in all others, we must leave aside the judgments of God.

10. I hold that these effects usually result from the first cause I mentioned; such souls know that nothing would induce them to commit a sin (many of them would not even commit a venial sin advertently), and that they employ their life and riches well. They cannot, therefore, patiently endure to be excluded from the presence of our King, Whose vassals they consider themselves, as indeed they are. An earthly king may have many subjects yet all do not enter his court. Enter then, enter, my daughters, into your interior; pass beyond the thought of your own petty works, which are no more, nor even as much, as Christians are bound to perform: let it suffice that you are God’s servants, do not pursue so much as to catch nothing.⁹² Think of the saints, who have entered the Divine Presence, and you will see the difference between them and ourselves.

11. Do not ask for what you do not deserve, nor should we ever think, however much we may have done for God, that we merit the reward of the saints, for we have offended Him. Oh, humility, humility! I know not why, but I am always tempted to think that persons who complain so much of aridities must be a little wanting in this virtue. However, I am not speaking of severe interior sufferings, which are far worse than a want of devotion.

12. Let us try ourselves, my sisters, or let our Lord try us; He knows well how to do so (although we often pretend to misunderstand Him). We will now speak of these well-ordered souls. Let us consider what they do for God and we shall see at once what little right we have to murmur against His Majesty. If we turn our backs on Him and go away sorrowfully like the youth in the Gospel⁹³ when He tells us what to do to be perfect, what can God do? for He must proportion the reward to our love for Him. This love, my daughters, must not be the fabric of our imagination; we must prove it by our works. Yet do not suppose that our Lord has need of any works of ours; He only expels us to manifest our goodwill.⁹⁴

13. It seems to us we have done everything by taking the religious habit of our own will, and renouncing worldly things and all our possessions for God (although they may have been but the nets of St. Peter,⁹⁵ yet they seemed much to us, for they were our all). This is an excellent disposition: if we continue in it and do not return, even in desire, to the company of the reptiles of the first rooms, doubtless, by persevering in this poverty and detachment of soul, we shall obtain all for which we strive. But, mark this—it must be on one condition—that we ‘hold ourselves for unprofitable servants,’⁹⁶ as we are told either by St. Paul or by Christ, and that we do not consider that our Lord is bound to grant us any favours, but that, as we have received more from Him, we are the deeper in His debt.

14. How little is all we can do for so generous a God, Who died for us, Who created us, Who gives us being, that we should not think ourselves happy to be able to acquit ourselves of part of the debt we owe Him for having served us, without asking Him for fresh mercies and favours? I am loath to use this expression, yet so it is, for He did nothing else during the whole time He lived in this world but serve us.

15. Think well my daughters, over some of the points I have treated, although confusedly, for I do not know how to explain them better. Our Lord will make you understand them, that you may reap humility from your dryness, instead of the disquietude the devil strives to cause by it. I believe that where true humility exists, although God should never bestow consolations, yet He gives a peace and resignation which make the soul happier than are others with sensible devotion. These consolations, as you have read, are often given by the Divine Majesty to the weakest souls who, I suppose would not exchange them for the fortitude of Christians serving God in aridities: we love consolations better than the cross! Do Thou, O Lord, Who knowest all truth, so prove us that we may know ourselves.